I Only Want To Be With You
by musiksnob
Summary: "Eli, I am all in." I gazed at her, unable to believe that everything I had wanted for all these months had come true. Clare wanted to be with me. A missing moment from between Come as You Are Parts 1 and 2. Eclare. Twoshot
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**So those of you who follow me on Tumblr may have noticed that I've been in a bit of fic writing depression lately. I'd been holding off on finishing Into Your Arms because I was feeling underappreciated for the amount of effort I put in to trying to write high quality fanfiction for you all. For a long time, I could put up with it – making excuses like "Well, it always slows down during hiatus" or "Reasons to Love You was really popular. Maybe those readers will come back and read Into Your Arms and it'll pick up." **

**But when I posted the last chapter of Into Your Arms – a chapter featuring an in-character Imogen, some really awesome and shocking lines, and a freaking epic moment between Eli and Clare and then I got 13 reviews (half of which were from people who I consider to be good friends), I got really, really upset. To the point where I was going to post the epilogue with an author note that says, "This is my last fanfiction. Goodbye." **

**I know some of you are thinking "Oh boo hoo for Musiksnob. I would kill to get 13 reviews on something I wrote." And I'm well aware of the fact that a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do. But I'll be honest that things have changed for me and staying up until 2 am to finish chapters or typing frantically during the baby's naps is not as appealing as it was a year ago.**

**The finale was incredible and it truly has inspired me to keep writing. But that's only going to take me so far. So if you enjoy my fanfiction, please take a moment to leave a review at the bottom of this page. And consider doing the same for the other authors you read. Fic writing is a really, really challenging labor of love and it requires encouragement. If I'm only writing for myself, that's fine. I can do that. But I can also keep my stories on my hard drive if that's the case.**

* * *

**Anyway, here's a happy two shot that takes place between Come as You Are Part 1 and Part 2. Not the greatest thing I've ever written but it's cute and happy so I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

"Eli," Clare whispered in the sexiest voice imaginable. "I am all in."

I gazed at her, unable to believe that everything I had wanted for all these months had come true. Clare wanted to be with me. She was willing to deal with the hard times when the twinkly lights would fade away and it was just us.

I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I'd always loved her, that I had spent half the time since the Frostival analyzing her kiss over and over in my head, hoping that it wasn't a fleeting moment and that it wouldn't be the last time. That over the months when I'd forced myself to get over her, I'd still harbored a tiny bit of hope that one day we would reconnect.

In the last two weeks, I'd talked myself out of calling her time and time again, trying to enjoy my trip to New York City without thinking about how much better it would be if Clare were there. I wanted her to know how disappointed I had been only moments before when it seemed like she would leave the party without talking to me about the kiss, how terrified I had been when she dropped the "ball" and how my heart had stopped beating when she kissed me again.

But there were no words adequate enough for this momentous occasion, so with a glance at her lips, I leaned in again, tangling my fingers in the curls next to her ear. Her last kiss had shocked me so much I barely had time to respond, and though I initiated this kiss, she still pulled back more quickly than I would have liked. She kept her face close to mine, noses and foreheads touching, and her fingers stroked my cheekbone. She smiled at me and I melted, mirroring her expression.

"We should probably talk about this," she said, but I brought my finger up to her lips. I really didn't want to get in to the past year's sordid history tonight.

"Why talk when we could be kissing?" I teased, leaning on once more. She pulled back again, hesitating and I reassured her. "We have plenty of time to talk, Clare. Let's just enjoy the moment."

She smiled and leaned in again. I tried to kiss her gently, afraid of scaring her off and ending this perfect reunion. But it was Clare who kicked up the intensity, quickened the pace and sunk her fingers into my hair, pulling me closer. The kiss turned greedy, selfish, as each of us tried to make up for the many months we had gone without each other.

I wasn't sure how long the kiss lasted but it was again Clare who pulled back long before I was ready. "We're in public," she whispered, a blush spreading across her cheeks.

"No one's out here," I said, leaning in again. "They're all too drunk to notice us anyway."

She giggled. "I hope so."

I wrapped my arms around her waist, wondering if Clare would protest if I leaned her back down against the bench. I decided she would, so I just drew her closer, peppering her lips and cheek and jaw with kisses. I wondered vaguely if Adam would mind if we locked him out of his room for a few hours, but figured that was probably not a great idea either.

Loud shrieks emerged from inside the house. I tried to ignore it but it became impossible when the door opened. Clare and I broke apart and looked up at the intruder, shocked when a naked Drew Torres came barreling towards us. "Virgins!" he snickered, pointing at us, before making a loop around the empty patio and barreling back into the house.

I cracked up, turning to Clare, whose expression of shock showed she didn't exactly see the humor in this situation. She buried her face in my shoulder and I put my arms around her. "What's wrong?"

She pulled back and gave me a pouty look. "I didn't exactly expect my first time seeing a guy naked would involve Drew Torres in any way, shape or form."

"Aww, Clare," I teased, pulling her back into a hug so she wouldn't see the expression of relief on my face. Adam had told me the reason Clare and Jake had broken up, and it had made me wonder if Clare's offer to sleep with him had come as a result of the two of them getting a lot farther than the two of us ever had. Then again, the memory of Clare showing up on my doorstep and asking to spend the night with me jumped into my head, and I realized Clare wasn't always the most logical person when it came to things like that.

She still looked disturbed and a little regretful when she pulled back and I wanted to lighten the mood. "If it would make you feel better, I could whip mine out right here and you could just pretend the Drew thing never happened."

"Eli!" she exclaimed, scandalized. But I could tell my joke had worked and that she was feeling a little better.

"Just say the word," I said, reaching down for the button on my pants.

She gasped and her hands covered mine, but I noticed she didn't pull them away. Which meant her hands were closer than they had ever been to my…I needed to change that train of thought before I had a problem on my hands. "Don't you dare," she pleaded.

I pulled away and put my hands up in a gesture of innocence. "I wouldn't do that," I said seriously. "Not here and not now, at least."

"Good," she said, looking away from me for a moment before meeting my eyes and blushing.

"Maybe someday," I said, much in the way she had once said the words to me.

I expected her to protest, but her face softened and she looked thoughtful. "Do you remember that?" She smiled. "It seems like forever ago."

"That must mean that someday is getting closer," I teased. "You should see Hotel Eli. I think it's definitely earned its five star rating."

Clare smirked at me. "Not that close," she said, leaning toward me. "But probably closer than you'd think."

She kissed me but I was the one who stopped things after just a moment. "Really?" I asked, my voice cracking a little.

"Really." She leaned back and looked down at her hands. "I should probably tell you…Jake and I…we…"

I cut her off. "No, it's okay. You don't have to explain. It's none of my business."

She looked relieved. "Well you should at least know…what Drew said…it's still true…for me anyway."

I decided to let her know we really didn't need to have this conversation. "Yeah, Adam may have…told me that," I finished awkwardly as Clare's eyes widened.

"Oh my God," she said, covering her face with her hands. "How much did he tell you?"

"I just asked him if he knew why you and Jake broke up…and he told me."

"Ugh, I told him that in confidence," Clare groaned. "This is so embarrassing."

I put my arm around her and squeezed her closer to me. "Clare, it's okay," I said gently. "I'm glad it didn't happen but even if it did…it wouldn't change anything. I still…" I hesitated momentarily, not wanting to frighten her by declaring my emotions too strongly this quickly. "I still feel the same way about you."

She smiled at me and I took the opportunity to lean in for another kiss. It got heated in a hurry, as I willed my hands to stay on her waist rather than traveling her body like they wanted to. But I wasn't sure if she wanted them to, and that wasn't something I wanted to risk – considering we'd just gotten back together and we were technically in public.

The kiss went on long enough that I eventually had to break it, gasping for air. "It's times like these that I wish I still had Morty," I muttered, thinking about how nice it would be to lay Clare down in the back with no prying eyes from the party preventing us from taking things even a tiny bit further.

"Eli," she gasped, and I realized that probably wasn't a thought I should have said out loud.

"I'm sorry," I said. "That's awkward, right? Bringing up Morty, after everything... I just meant I wish we were in the back…" I realized my effort to explain wasn't really making anything better based on the shocked look on her face, and halted my statement halfway through.

She paused for a moment and then gave me a devilish grin. "It would be nice to have some privacy."

"We could go back to my place," I offered.

She laughed. "Tempting as that is, I probably should be getting home soon."

"Then we should probably just keep kissing here until that happens," I teased, giving her my signature smirk.

"Okay," she said happily.

But our lips had barely connected when I heard the sliding glass door open once again and a familiar voice calling, "Awww…isn't that cute?" We broke apart to find the other Torres brother, though thankfully – unlike Drew – Adam was fully clothed. "I guess this means I'm the third wheel again."

I grinned at him but surprisingly Clare shot back an angry retort, "Well, this time I have a lot less sympathy for you since somebody doesn't know how to keep a secret."

Adam looked to me for clarification. "You might not want to tell your best friend's ex that she almost swiped her v-card with her stepbrother."

"Eli!" Clare slapped my arm, and Adam took a cautious step back to the glass door.

"Yeah, sorry about that," he said, stepping back into the house but calling over his shoulder. "You guys should probably get going. Dallas and I have a long night of cleaning ahead of us since Drew passed out upstairs."

I pulled out my phone and realized it was getting pretty close to Clare's curfew, unless her mother had changed it in the past few months. "Can I walk you home?" I asked and she smiled and took my hand.

We walked through the basement and up through the front door. The party had really emptied out and only a handful of stragglers – mostly hockey team members – remained. Clare shot Adam a death glare on the way out and as soon as we were out of earshot, I squeezed her hand. "Don't be mad at Adam," I said. "I was the one who dragged it out of him."

"Why?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Even when we weren't together, I still cared about you, Clare. I wanted to know you were doing okay, even if it meant finding out some not so great information."

"You could have asked _me_," Clare said.

I shrugged. "I thought you were better off without me around," I admitted quietly.

I kind of expected her to get upset, but she just stopped walking and looked at me sadly. "I thought _you_ were better off without me."

I touched her cheek. "I think we were both wrong."

"Definitely."

We started walking again, our hands swinging loosely between us. "So tell me more about the New York City trip. It sounds like you had a great time."

"It was amazing," I said, grinning at her. "It was the best two weeks of my life."

"Where did you go?"

"Everywhere…Central Park, The Museum of Modern Art, the New York Public Library…We wandered around all these little art galleries in Chelsea and we had dim sum in Chinatown. Went to the top of the Empire State Building and checked out the State of Liberty. One of Bullfrog's friends was playing a show at this bar in SoHo and they had to sneak me in." I smirked at her. "Good thing I made my fake say that I'm 22 and not 19."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah you wouldn't want to miss that."

"It was a pretty awesome show. Not as good as Arcade Fire at the Garden though."

Clare pouted, though I knew she wasn't that upset. "I'm jealous. You still haven't taken me to a concert."

I squeezed her hand. "Well now that we're back together, I think that can be arranged." I lamented the fact that the Toronto Arcade Fire show had sold out only a few minutes after it went on sale.

"So, music…art…what else did you do?"

I laughed. "I ate a shit ton of pizza."

"Eli!" she chided.

"I did," I teased. "New York City pizza is the best in the world. Have you ever had it?"

"I have," she said, though she didn't look nearly as happy as I would have thought. "We were there the summer before Grade Eight. It was the last family vacation we took together, before Darcy left and the divorce."

"Oh," I said softly. I knew how much her sister's absence had affected her and remembered just how badly she had handled her parents' divorce. "Hey, did Darcy come home for your mom's wedding?"

She shook her head sadly, and I put my arm around her and gave her a squeeze. "Maybe this summer we could go over there and drag her butt home from Africa."

She sighed. "I doubt even that would work."

All I wanted to do was cheer her up. "Well maybe we could go to New York City together instead. Have a fun trip for ourselves."

Clare smiled. "That sounds really nice. I don't think there's a chance in hell of my mom letting me go though."

Clare's words made me realize that next year she would still be at Degrassi. It would be one thing if she was at university – even if it was somewhere far away; we could still make plans to visit each other for long weekends or breaks. But she'd be living at home – underage – and the chances of her strict mother giving her permission to spend a week in New York with no one but her boyfriend was pretty unlikely.

But it was a long time before we'd have to deal with that. Clare seemed pretty proud of me for aspiring to get into NYU, so I wasn't going to worry about the details right now.

"You know, there's this bookstore called the Strand…it's only about ten blocks away from most of NYU. You'd absolutely love it. It's just miles of bookshelves jam packed with everything you could possibly want."

She smiled. "If you end up at NYU next year, I will definitely find a way to visit you – and the bookstore," she joked. "But I probably will have to bring Adam and Jenna with me for my mom to go for it."

"That's okay," I squeezed her once again, just happy to finally be able to touch her again. "We can kick them out along with my roommate."

"Do you ever think about anything else?"

"Anything else but what?" I challenged her.

To my surprise, she took the bait. "Sex," she said, more confidently that I would ever have imagined. The last time we dated anytime we had a conversation about this, Clare would always use a euphemism: "spending the night together" or "taking that step."

"So if you come visit me at NYU, you're telling me we're going to have sex?" I teased and she laughed.

"Maybe if you're lucky." I barely had time to process the fact that Clare was saying she would consider having sex with me in the future when we reached her front steps. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up with her, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "I'm so happy," she said, with red cheeks and sparkling eyes."

"Me too," I said, leaning down for another kiss.

I didn't know if it was the fact the we didn't want to say goodbye or that we were afraid something horrible would go wrong and we'd never get to do this again or maybe it was just the fact that my brain kept thinking "Clare said sex. Clare said sex," over and over, but the kiss got really intense really quickly.

I spun her around, pressing her gently against the brick wall beside her door. Her fingernails were digging into my shoulders, but my hands couldn't stop moving, keeping pace with the movement our lips together. I smoothed them over her arms, then down to her waist, barely grazing the sides of her breasts on the way, pleased when she didn't push me away. She was wearing a flouncy skirt, and I daringly pushed up the fabric to wrap my hand around the back of her thigh. To my shock and delight, she jumped up and wrapped her legs around my waist as I pressed her more firmly against the wall.

Moans slipped through our tangled tongues, and I couldn't believe that she was letting me kiss her like this. We'd had moments of passion the first time we dated, but they were always more loving than lustful and this was something else entirely. I almost broke the kiss to ask her if we could take this to a more appropriate place, like her bed, but I was so terrified that she'd say no, that I'd have to stop kissing her or I'd have to move my hand from her thigh where if she hadn't been wearing tights, it would be in the most intimate place she had ever let me touch her.

I was so distracted by Clare that I didn't even hear the door open beside us. "Sex on the front porch, eh? I guess my advice worked," Jake said.

I stifled a groan as Clare pushed me back enough that she could regain her footing. "Your advice was terrible," Clare snapped. "If I had listened to you, we wouldn't be here right now." It was kind of amusing to see her so annoyed, knowing that she was probably just as upset about being interrupted as I was.

Jake laughed. "And you would have missed out on losing your virginity on the front porch." Clare looked like she was going to lunge at him so I held her back. "If you guys want to come in and watch TV with me, you can. I'd avoid going upstairs though. Dad and Helen have been up there for a while and I'm not going to bed until I'm sure the coast is clear."

Clare looked at me hopefully. I checked my phone. It was almost 11. Wow, we'd been out here for a long time. Good thing her parents were distracted although the idea of Clare's mom doing anything like what her daughter and I had just be doing was pretty gross. "I should probably get home. My curfew is 11 on school nights."

"You have a curfew?" Clare asked in amusement.

"Yeah. Byproduct of the whole bipolar thing," I explained and Clare nodded in understanding. I glanced at Jake who was still watching us in amusement. "Can you give us a minute so I can kiss your sister goodnight?"

I was pleased that Jake didn't give any indication that he thought of Clare in any other way. "Just make sure you use a condom," he joked before shutting the door to give us some privacy.

Clare wrinkled her nose. "He's so annoying."

I laughed. "You guys have really adapted to the stepsibling thing."

She smiled. "Yeah…we really have."

"What advice did he give you?"

Clare chuckled. "That if you were interested, you would come to me. And we shouldn't talk about it. He figured you'd just kiss me again."

I laughed. "I guess he was right about the kissing. But you understand why I couldn't come to you, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah…I'm just glad I got up the nerve to ask you about it."

I glanced at my phone again, knowing I really didn't have more time to spend wit her. "I hate to leave you, but my parents will kill me if I don't get home on time."

"That's crazy," she said. "I can't believe they've gotten so strict."

"Yep. They even make me call them Mom and Dad now," I joked.

Clare grinned. "I can't wait to see them again. I've really missed your family." She stood on her tiptoes to give me a quick kiss. "And you."

I kissed her again but I reluctantly pulled away pretty quickly. "If I keep kissing you, I'm never going to get home."

"Okay," she said, looking as disappointed as I felt. "Text me when you get home, so I know you're safe."

"Sure," I said. Ordinarily I would think that she was being too overprotective but I really wanted to have an excuse to keep talking to her.

She looked like she wanted to say something, but she shook her head as if she was having an internal argument with herself. "Goodnight, Eli," she said finally. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Can't wait," I said, leaning in for another kiss.

As our lips parted, I just wanted to tell her I loved her. We had said it to each other whenever we said goodnight from the first time after the party we had helped Adam throw until the night of our breakup.

But we'd just gotten back together and even though I knew I felt that way about her, it felt too soon. I didn't want to pressure her or smother her or make her feel like she had to say it back if she wasn't ready. A lot had changed for her in the months since we'd dated last. She'd had another boyfriend for months and I knew that before they'd accepted their relationship as stepsiblings that she had loved him.

I knew she wanted to be with me now and I was ecstatic. But I didn't know if she still loved me and I would rather wait for her to say it than be disappointed if she didn't.

"Goodnight Clare," I said, giving her one last kiss before I forced myself to turn around and walk down her steps. I made it to the street before turning around to see if she was still looking at me.

She was – and she was smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**I mentioned this in the author note of the last chapter of Into Your Arms, but I'll repeat it here for anyone who isn't reading that (and why aren't you? It's pretty good. It might technically be AU but it's very true to the characters and believable if you're not an AU fan.) **

* * *

**I'd really like to thank you for your overwhelming support. So many people took to time to write a review of that story or send me a tweet or a Tumblr message, and it truly made me feel happy and ready to continue in this sometimes difficult world of Degrassi fanfiction. I really wanted to send you author review responses and tell how how much I appreciated it directly but my free time is limited nowadays and I think most of you would prefer that I spend it writing. **

**My only request is that you don't disappear on me. A few people mentioned that they don't review often because they feel like they just say the same thing over and over. You don't have to tell me I'm amazing. Pick out a line you particularly liked or a detail. Reviews that say, "I cracked up when Eli was going to whip it out right there on the patio," or "You did a good job of keeping Jake in character" are more helpful than you could ever know. I'd rather have a one sentence review like that, than a three paragraph essay on why I'm awesome (although those of course are always welcome). **

* * *

**This story is now complete. Next I'll be writing my approximately 21 chapter future fic, which is terrifying to me. I hope that you all give that one a shot even though it's going to include a pretty large Degrassi fanfiction cliché in it. But I will definitely put my own spin on it, and if you like my other long fics, you will probably like this one as well.**

* * *

Chapter 2

I was glad that Cece and Bullfrog had gone to bed before I arrived home. As much as I was excited to tell them the good news about Clare, I kind of wanted to have one night where I kept that feeling all to myself. Plus, if they had taken one look at the goofy grin on my face they would have assumed that I'd decided to experiment with psychotropic drugs for the first time at the party – which at one point in my life probably would have delighted them but post-bipolar diagnosis would definitely result in grounding.

It was bad enough that I had walked home with an uncharacteristic spring in my step, but I couldn't help it. Clare and I were together again. I chuckled as I remembered how in my darkest hour she had decreed that we would never get back together. But now, by her own decision, she had decided that I was the guy she had fallen in love with again – or at least, an older, wiser, in control version of that guy.

I took a moment to plan out my text to her. I didn't want to be too pathetic but I didn't want her to get the impression that tonight didn't mean as much to me as it did to her. _I'm home safe. I can't wait to see you in school tomorrow._

Only seconds after I had hit send, my phone rang. I smiled as I heard the ringtone, the chorus of "Oh Oh I Love Her So" by the Ramones, which I had never bothered to change after our breakup. I pushed away the thought that I hadn't had to change it because this was the first time Clare had called me in over eight months, and decided to focus on where we were now.

"Hey," I said softly, closing the door to my room behind me. "Did you miss me that much in the last twenty minutes?"

Clare giggled. "I did actually," she said, and I grinned. "I wasn't ready for this night to be over."

"Stupid curfews," I grumbled.

"Stupid school tomorrow," she agreed. "But at least I'll get to see you there."

"We should have lunch together."

I could practically feel her smile through the phone. "Our first date," she said with laughter in her voice.

"Our re-first date," I corrected. "Though maybe we should save that for something a little more exciting than lunch in the caf."

"Maybe tomorrow night?"

"I'm free," I said casually, trying to cover my excitement at Clare's eagerness to spend time together right away. She had told me she was all in, and I accepted it because I wanted to believe it badly. But everything she said was just more evidence that she really did want this as much as I did. "What do you want to do?"

"Surprise me," she said, and I couldn't help but laugh. She definitely trusted me if she was willing to let me surprise her. Of course, I had absolutely no ideas, and the whole not having a license thing didn't exactly make that any easier.

"Sure thing," I said. I threw my jacket over the back of my desk chair and lay down against my skull pillow. Clare didn't respond and I wasn't sure what to say either. The silence was awkward but it wasn't like we didn't have anything to say to each other.

"So…" she said, right as I was about to say something similar. We exchanged nervous laughs. "I feel like we've missed so much. I don't even know where to begin," she admitted.

"We could try that question game again," I suggested. "Where we can ask each other anything."

"That might work as a conversation starter," she responded amenably.

I laughed. "And this time you won't be able to spill soup all over me through the phone." As awkward as it was to walk around with damp, cauliflower-smelling pants for the rest of the day, the sight of Clare kneeling in front of me, wiping down my leg, getting extremely close to my cock was pretty awesome – and that was before I had any idea that she could still have feelings for me.

She giggled. "Don't remind me….You can go first."

"Alright," I said, trying to come up with a good ice breaker. It wasn't in my nature to take things like this too seriously, so I led off with a joke. "What are you wearing?"

"Pajamas," she said, with laughter in her voice. "What are you wearing?"

"Same thing I was wearing at the party."

She sounded surprised. "Oh, I can let you go if you want to get changed."

"I can take my clothes off while we're on the phone," I said, not really thinking of how that sounded until it came out of my mouth. I heard her breathing change a little and decided to push it one step further. "We could get on Skype if you want to watch."

"In your dreams, Eli." But even as she rejected me I could tell she wasn't as horrified at my suggestion as she would have been the first time we dated.

"It's your turn," I said, trying to keep the game going.

"I just asked you what you were wearing."

"That doesn't count. You repeated my question."

"Fine," she groaned. She took a few seconds before responding. "You know, I have this personal essay I wrote for English, and I was thinking of trying to get it published on this blog that posts real life teen stories. They're pretty legit and it would be a nice credit to add to my portfolio. It's a good start but it needs some polishing, and I guess I was wondering if you could take a look at it and give me some suggestions?"

She could ask me anything in the world, and she was asking me to edit one of her essays? I couldn't help but laugh. "We just made out for two hours and you're still trying to keep things professional between us?"

She laughed briefly but her answer was completely serious. "The professional _is_ personal for us, Eli. I can't tell you how many times I was working on an article or a poem and wanted to send it to you and see what you thought or what suggestions you would make to make it better."

"I felt the same way," I admitted. I knew that Love Roulette was a challenge for a lot of reasons; the uncontrolled manic state I was in through most of it being the most prominent, and the heartbreak I was trying to deal with at the same time didn't make it any easier. But Clare had been my muse since we'd become friends. She had been both an inspiration and a practical advisor, and writing without her never felt completely right.

"So you'll help?"

"Of course. What's the essay about?" I asked, figuring that could count as my next question.

"Ummm…well…uh…" she hesitated and my curiosity only grew. "It's kind of a long story."

"We've got all night," I reminded her, wanting to hear what she had to say, especially since she sounded very reluctant to get into it.

"Well…this is going to sound kind of crazy…but…" She sighed loudly, and I almost wanted to tell her she could just send me the essay and put her out of her misery but I had a feeling this was going to be quite a story and I wouldn't want to wait for that. "After the Martins moved in, and then Jake and I broke up, I was feeling kind of lost. Alli and I weren't speaking. My mom spent every waking moment with Glen. Jake moved on faster than I did…I didn't feel comfortable in my own home anymore. I didn't want to see Jake and Glen is really nice but he's not exactly the most considerate housemate, and I felt like my mom was just in newlywed-land and didn't really even notice me anymore."

"That sounds tough," I said, trying to sound sympathetic despite the pang in my heart. I was glad she and Jake had found a way to act like stepsiblings after they'd broken up, but hearing about it reminded me that she really had cared about him. I'd liked Imogen a lot but it never went beyond that for me and it hurt that Clare had such deep feelings for another guy.

"It was," she confirmed. "I was feeling really depressed and unwanted and I thought maybe if I moved in with my dad it would help. But I asked him and he basically told me there was no room for me in his condo with Irene and her kids." She laughed wryly. "And judging by the fact that I haven't seen him since, he was basically telling me there was no room for me in his new life."

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. I knew how torn up Clare had been about her parents' divorce and that she had always been closer with her father than her mother. I couldn't believe he could be such a jackass and abandon his daughter like that.

"So…after feeling like I had no one in my life who even wanted me around, I got the brilliant idea to run away from home."

"What?" I gasped. I couldn't believe that Clare of all people would do something like that.

"I met this woman at her bookshop and she told me that she and her boyfriend sometimes take in troubled teens. At first I thought it was crazy but after my dad…I just needed somewhere to go. I figured it would be one night, two tops, and then I'd somehow get through to my mother that I was unhappy and she'd finally listen to me."

"But she didn't?"

"No." I heard Clare sniffle through the phone, and I wished I was with her so I could put my arm around her and kiss her temple, letting her know I was there for her. "She tried, but…she just couldn't see that I needed her to be there for me. She was being really self-centered." She snorted. "Just about as much as I was really."

"How long were you there?"

"A couple of nights," Clare said carefully. "They were really nice and there were two other kids my age there, and they made us all have dinner together and talk about what we were feeling. It was so ridiculous looking back on it; it was practically a cult, but I was so angry and hurt that I couldn't even see that."

"What made you go back home then?"

Clare paused. "Well I was escorted out of the house by the police – zip tied hands and all."

"What the fuck?" I asked, unable to contain myself.

"Summer and Cash were marijuana dealers – and the house I was living in was a grow-up." My jaw fell open in shock and I couldn't respond. How the hell had Clare gotten herself involved in something like this? "I didn't get arrested," she clarified. "The police had been watching the house for a while; they knew Jake and I weren't really involved….He had followed me there and tried to convince me to come home," she explained before I could ask how Jake was involved in this.

"Did you know? Before the police showed up, I mean."

I could hear her swallow. "Yeah, I umm…they showed me the room and I was shocked. They seemed like such nice down-to-earth people." Her voice lowered. "In exchange for us staying there, they made us help them." Before I could interject, she explained. "I wasn't out on the corner selling or anything, but I helped them cut the leaves up and divide them into baggies."

"Holy fucking shit," I teased. "My girlfriend, the drug dealer."

"I wasn't!" she insisted. "It was once, and I knew it was stupid. I was just scared at that point. If I left immediately, they might have thought I was going to report them and I was afraid they'd come after me."

I shook my head. "I can't even believe you went through this."

She laughed. "I was there, and I can barely believe it."

"Are things better at home now?" I asked softly.

"There are," she confirmed. "After I got home, I talked to Mom, and she started to make an effort. And after nearly getting arrested together, Jake and I were able to put the past behind us. And Glen occasionally remembers to buy more milk when he finishes it, so overall, we're doing a lot better."

"I'm surprised your mother didn't ground you until she dies."

Clare laughed. "We managed to keep it from her. The cops miraculously let us go. She thinks I spent those nights at my dad's and she'll never call him to confirm."

"Just make sure she doesn't google your name if you get this essay published."

Clare gasped. "I didn't think of that!"

"Just tell her it's satire. It'll be fine."

"Good idea," she said.

"It's your turn."

She thought for a moment. "What are you thinking about for our re-first date?"

"I hear there's a writing convention out in Kingston. We can hitchhike there," I deadpanned.

"Eli!"

I laughed. "I knew you weren't going to be okay with a surprise."

"I am okay with a surprise. It just doesn't have to be anything big or fancy you know. No pressure. We could just go to a movie if you want."

"Maybe," I said. "But I'll try to come up with something better."

I got up to check computer times on my laptop when I noticed a post it note with Bullfrog's chicken scratch on it. "Got these from Pete at the station. Maybe you could invite Clare." I had told Bullfrog about what had happened between me and Clare over the break and to my surprise he encouraged me to get back together with her if that was what I wanted, although he also urged me to be careful. I unfolded the sheets of paper the note was sitting on and found two tickets to the very sold out Arcade Fire show. I gasped, realizing that this would be the perfect date.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Do you think your parents will let you stay out late tomorrow? Even if it's a school night."

"Probably," she said. "I don't really have a curfew anymore."

"Seriously?"

"Well Jake doesn't. So I convinced my mother it wasn't fair that he didn't and that I did."

"Wow. I can't believe your mom went for that."

"You'd be surprised," Clare said. "She's really loosened up. Glen is good for her."

"Well that's good," I said. "We'll probably be out until midnight."

"Do I get a hint?" she asked, a smile in her voice.

"Nope," I said.

"What if I promised to give you a really good kiss when I see you tomorrow?"

I grinned. "You'll do that anyway."

She laughed. "Probably."

"I'll tell you at school tomorrow. So it'll be a surprise for a little bit longer."

"Okay," she acquiesced. "Your turn."

I tried to come up with a question that would earn me an interesting answer and found that I had surprises on the mind. "What is something you're thinking about that would surprise me?"

I wasn't expecting her to sputter out an "Eli!" that told me she had an answer that really would surprise me.

"You have to answer," I said. "It's the rule."

I could feel her hesitating. "Before…I was thinking that…" She sighed. "I was thinking that one thing I regretted about the first time we dated was that we…" She cut off again.

"Yes?" I asked impatiently.

"You were talking about getting changed…and I was thinking that I've never gotten to see you with your shirt off…" she sped through the end of the sentence as fast as she could but I caught it. "You know…while we were kissing," she whispered the last word.

"And you'd…like that?" I asked, my voice cracking a little at the thought of Clare thinking about fooling around with me, and taking things even the tiniest bit farther.

She took a second to respond, and I wondered if she was nodding or shaking her head and I was just unable to see. "I'd like that," she whispered.

"We could do that…the next time we're alone," I suggested gently. It was amazing to me that we were actually talking about this openly. This was probably the closest that Clare and I would ever get to phone sex and I didn't want to end this conversation. "Maybe on our re-first date." I'd totally be willing to leave the Arcade Fire show before the encore if it meant Clare and I could make out without some clothes on.

Clare let out a very unexpected giggle. "Shouldn't we at least go out first before we start taking each other's clothes off?"

My mouth went dry. "Each other's clothes? Does that mean you might be interested in letting me take your shirt off? Because I would be very interested in that…I mean, someday," I added, backing off since I really didn't want to scare her.

"I don't know," she said nervously, and I felt awful for pushing her. I had been so careful with her the first time we dated that sometimes I wondered if I was the one who was holding us back from taking things further. We'd never done more than some light, above the clothes groping, and only once – during the most intense makeout of my life – had we ever let things escalate to some very clothed dry humping which left both of us more frustrated than anything else. "I want to…it's just scary."

My heart fluttered at the idea that she wanted to. "How is it scary?" I asked gently.

"You seeing me like that. I'm not exactly skinny like Imogen…or _other girls_," she added. I didn't miss her non-specific reference to Julia.

"You're perfect," I said. "You don't need to be skinny. I love that you've got curves."

"That's not exactly comforting," she said.

It broke my heart that she couldn't see how gorgeous she was. "Clare, when I look at you and I manage to rip my eyes from your beautiful face, all I can see are your graceful arms, and your slender waist and your pale, soft skin. I love that you've got hips and a sexy ass and your breasts are just…indescribable. Whenever I'm with you, all I can think about is how much I want to take off all your clothes and see you and touch your skin, touch you everywhere." I realized I had probably taken my compliment a little too far, but I couldn't help myself.

I could picture Clare lying on her bed, cheeks ablaze. "I…um…wow," she said, dumbstruck by what I had told her. "You really think about that?"

"All the time," I whispered. "You're so beautiful."

"Maybe soon," she said in the same soft tone. "You could touch me, I mean. I don't know if I'm brave enough to take my clothes off."

The thought of sliding my hands underneath Clare's shirt and up her stomach was almost too much and I didn't want to end the call so that I could take care of things, so I changed the subject. "I wish I was with you right now," I said softly.

"I said soon, Eli. Not now," she teased.

"Not for that – although that would be amazing," I admitted. "I just wish I was lying down in your bed, holding you in my arms."

"That sounds perfect," she said.

We were quiet for a minute and I wondered if she was picturing that image like I was. It was really late and I knew we should sleep but I didn't want to end this night. "It's your turn to ask me a question," I said.

Clare was silent long enough that I wondered if she had fallen asleep. "Before, on my porch…when we were saying goodnight..." She hesitated again and I had no idea where she was going with this.

"Yes?"

"There was something I was thinking of saying," she said slowly, and I knew exactly what she was referring to. "But I wasn't sure if it was too soon." We'd always said 'I love you' when we said goodbye but when you broke up for eight months it was hard to know the rules for when that was appropriate.

"I was thinking that too," I said. "And I wondered the same thing."

"I don't know the answer," she admitted.

"Neither do I." I was pretty sure it was too late at night for conversations this important and I tried to summarize how I was feeling. "I guess the important thing is that we both are thinking it…and we can start saying it whenever we feel comfortable."

"Okay," she said. Her tone was positive but it was immediately followed by a huge yawn and then silence.

As glad as I was that she had brought that up, I realized she hadn't exactly fulfilled her part of the game. "That wasn't a question, you know," I pointed out.

"Mmmhmm," she said, in a tone so sleepy I knew she was just barely awake. Her breaths quieted and she didn't say anything more and it was clear she had fallen asleep.

"Goodnight, Clare," I said softly. "I love you," I said so faintly that even if she had been awake, she probably wouldn't have heard it.

She didn't respond, lost in dreamland. I left the phone on, just in case she woke up, and closed my eyes, knowing that tonight I'd end up dreaming of Clare.


End file.
